This is the time of year when we are supposed to be most thankful for the things we have.. our family and friends, our jobs, the necessities. Then, a few weeks later (well, the day after, really), we go nuts trying to get as much as we can get. The latest and greatest. The doorbusting deals. Seems a little off.. doesn't it?
I'm guilty of it too. I'm an overspender; especially on gifts. I've tried to reign it in this year; since our finances are pretty shakey with medical bills and such (that you've read about in other blogs). And I've actually been feeling more like a purger than a consumer lately. We just sold one of our couches, and I literally just sold dozens of DVDs and my old N64 today.
You see, there was a time in my life that I really was precariously close to a 'hoarder.' No, not like the television show. lol I didn't have a thousand mice and dead cats under the garbage in my bedroom. But I certainly held onto things that I didn't need.. and bought things that I couldn't really afford. And then, I didn't want to get rid of anything that I perceived to have value.
Sure, I haven't mastered being clutter-free.. but it's because a little clutter just doesn't really bother me. But the bigger thing is I no longer feel a need to acquire and keep as much as I possibly can. I don't define myself by what I own anymore.
Just a few years ago, it's sad to say, I valued myself as a mere sum of my possessions. The more I had and owned, the more valuable I was. I knew it didn't make sense. I knew it was warped thought and wrong. But in all honesty, I was depressed and lonely.. so logic didn't matter. And my 'stuff' was what I had.
It was all nice stuff, too. I wasn't a hoarder of dumpster picking and hand-me-downs. It was stuff that actually looked nice all put together; if I took the time to de-clutter it. But I seldom had the motivation to. It was an empty, repetitive cycle.. of consumerism trying to fill an emotional gap. If I have this one thing, I'll be happier and better.. and gosh darn it.. people will like me. :-P
I think it was a mix of things. I had financially gone into the shitter when my mother got sick. I was unable to work on a regular basis for a couple months due to visiting the hospital and our childhood home, and paying to travel back and forth, really took its toll. Then I took a new job that promised to pay better and start my career, but they took advantage of me.. to a point that I was paying to work. It really put me in a hole. Thousands of dollars in the hole. But it was more than a financial hole. It was an emotional one. Instead of trying to work my way out of it, I gave up. I didn't give up on my finances or my family.. Not intentionally. I truly gave up on myself. I felt like my life wasn't really going anywhere. I didn't think I'd ever find someone and have a family. I didn't have any real career goals. I felt aimless, and just flat out depressed. Not suicidal depressed. Not 'in agony' depressed. Just 'why bother' depressed. And instead of working on that, I distracted myself with stuff. Outside, empty, useless stuff.
And the "sorry" comes in here, because instead of explaining to those around me, especially my family.. what I was feeling, I just shut myself off from everyone. Why bring others down? And it portrayed itself as a lack of caring, and disrespect, towards the people I loved the most. That, in turn, just perpetuated the problem. I 'gave up' and came across as uncaring.. which pushed people away.. which made me feel even more depressed and more shut down.
For that, I will always be sorry. I hope that maybe, now, they can start to understand it. When you feel no real value in yourself and your life; it's really hard to show any real affection for those around you. I know that I put some people in rough spots, where they didn't know how to handle the situation and felt disrespected and hurt. So, I also add a "thank you" for the fact that they're all still in my life.
But now, as I'm nearing my one year anniversary with my husband, there's no question that my life has changed a lot since then. I don't see myself the same way I did three years ago. I still like to have nice things, sure. But I still feel like me.. without them. I'm still valuable and worthwhile. I have no idea where my life is headed, but it doesn't depress me nearly like it used to. Nor do I cling to things. I can hold an item I own, and not feel an attachment to it. I can actually believe that I'm still deserving of people who care about me; even if I don't have the right things. I'm still a good friend, even if I can't buy others the best gifts. And now, instead of subconsciously asking myself "Is this going to impress my friends?" or "Is this going to make me happy today?" I can ask, "Is this going to make my life better, long-term?"
That is something I hope everyone takes the time to consider in this 'more, more, more' holiday shopping season. Most of us have plenty of 'stuff.' Too many knick-knacks, and enough electronics to keep us away from social interaction for years on end. Just way too many empty belongings.
But we do need more, more, more. More love for ourselves and those around us. More respect. More cherished time. More memories. More patience. More self-worth. More forgiveness. More compassion... More hope... More heart. <3
It's taken me a lot of years to accept and practice those most obvious of things. To remind myself of my own value. To realize that when I'm gone, nobody is going to care about all my useless stuff, or the gifts I got them throughout the years, that are long gone and forgotten. They're going to miss me. Their friend. Their sister. Their wife. Just me.
May this serve as your reminder, too.
